If you’ve been watching my status updates today you know that I had a bit of an emotional day. Today was day 2 of the events conference I am attending and it brought me to tears twice. To the point that I had to leave the room as soon as the session was done so I could get to the washroom to make sure my makeup wasn’t all over my face and to pull myself together.
I have spent the last two days talking and listening to people who have done more than make a living out of this job, they have staff…a full team. They make enough planning events to pay a themselves a very comfortable living and they have an office space they have to pay for, office supplies, etc and staff. One of the presenters even slipped up during a venting moment and told us that he paid his Director of Productions $120,000/yr. I live a nice life now and I am so blessed. If I can excel at this dream job and make half that I will be so happy.
During one of my emotional moments I was talking with a woman who just told us about her company and how she started and how she got to where she is today. I felt so connected to her that I had to go speak to her after her session. I told her that I wished Trevor could be here to hear all of these people speak so that he could see that my dream is possible. I said “I wish I could he could hear all of this so that I could say to him ‘see it is possible and why can’t it be me’?” And that’s exactly it, why can’t it be me? Why can’t I be the most sought after planner in the Ottawa area?
The second session that brought me to tears brought out the big crocodile tears but thankfully during a time in the session when everyone’s eyes were closed. The presenter, David Beahm, was talking about how to make money and how to keep your sanity. I remember the emotion feeling starting to brew but wasn’t thinking it was going to spill but as soon as he started on the part about how you have to take care of yourself before you can do anything I thought oh boy here we go. Then, he told us to close our eyes and breath. He put on mood music, turned down the light and talked us through a breathing exercise. Sitting there breathing I could feel huge tears rolling down my cheeks. I was sitting right in the front on the floor. No way he didn’t see me crying. I was able to grab my napkin and keep them off my face but then I started to worry about my mascara.
So what made me so emotional? You know yesterday I was feeling a little intimidated and out of my league but then today we heard from some individuals who shared their story and I could see where I fit in. I realized today that I am at a critical point in my life. I am standing at the dead center of the cross in the street today and I need to make the decision on which direction I am taking.
Trevor pointed out several times over the last week how I am making a lot of mistakes lately, forgetting things, missing information. Not that it’s a big problem but that it is out of character for me. I know it. I feel it. But unfortunately I feel so out of control of my life right now that I am not so sure I have a choice but to make mistakes and forget stuff because I have nothing left. I sat in that session today and listened to David talk about do you treat your clients the way you would want to be treated, are you excelling at everything that is important to you? And my honest answer is no. I am spread too thin and I know it. But I am scared to death. Petrified of letting Trevor and the girls down if I fail. Or if they can’t have everything they want because I have decided to take a job that I am not really making any money at yet so I can’t contribute to the family pool of money. But, the big but, is that how will I ever make my company profitable if I can’t spend the time doing what I need to do make it happen.
I am so confused. I feel like such a hypocrite when it comes to this company because I am always telling everyone else to take a leap of faith, try it, what do you have to lose. And now look at me. There is nothing I have wanted more than this and I am hiding behind every excuse I can find. So uncharacteristic of me as well. I usually jump, both feet straight into the unknown and I just run with it.
You know something that I realized today that scared the crap out of me. I have never done anything in my life 100%. I played sports in high school but was never the best, I was a great photographer but not the best…good enough was always just fine. When I think about this company all I can ever hear in my head is “I want to be the best”. And I know I mean it because I get butterflies every time I think about it and I feel like I am going to throw up every time I think it would just be easier if I just went back to way things were.
I am ready and I know I can do this but one last thing is holding me back. Trevor. He doesn’t support this and I can’t do this without his support. I need to know that he has my back and I am not so sure he does. I anticipate hearing I told you so instead of holy crap honey you are amazing, I knew you could do this. I know there are those women out there who are saying what do you care what he thinks, you need to do what you need to do. But I am strong believer in Trevor and I being a team. We make family decisions together and if I am going to impact our family income in a major way it needs to be a decision we make. Ultimately I know I will make the final call but I need to know that he is ok with the change it is going to have on us as a family. I’m feeling a bit like this is a chicken and an egg situation. I need to make this company my priority so I can make it happen the way I know I can but I can’t do that if because I have to continue working my other job to pay the bills and support this company.
Aaahhh…maybe it’s time for a visit to a physic. Actually you know what, I don’t even want to do that because I want to figure this out on my own. I don’t want to know that it is going to succeed or not succeed. I want to do this myself and figure it out, fight for it myself. I want to be the best because I deserve to be the best. Hard work, belief in myself and my abilities is what’s going to get me to the top and I want to work it, every day, every drip of sweat, every tear, every handshake, every meeting, every difficult client, every dollar…right to the top.
Well now that it’s tomorrow, I better get some sleep. I have loaded the photos onto the computer and I will share them tomorrow. Sorry for not posting tonight but I needed to get this emotional crap off my chest first. Good night everyone. I hope you all had a great day!